PVE (otherwise known as protected vaginal entry)

Warning! This entry may not be appropriate for sensitive viewers. Yes, mom, I know it's a little "raw" but how the hell else do we expect I got knocked up in the first place?

I know, I know the last word one wants to read about is the vagina...especially mine, but bear with me for this particular rant. As this is my first experience with the double line, I was not prepared for my visit to the OBGYN, previously known to women lacking children as the gynecologist. For some reason the OB sounds WAY cooler than the GYNO so I was immediately proud that I was in the waiting room waiting for a heartbeat and a sonogram versus an annual cotton swab scraping petri dish culture (more on that later...I know...you can't wait). Nonetheless, laying on the 500 count crunchy paper sheet draped in a paper towel waiting for my miracle maternity matron to show me something I have never seen was still pretty exciting. What really threw me for a loop, however, was when she pulled out a giant white dildo and sheathed it in a condom immediately smothering the tip in KY and dimmed the lights. WTF??? Seriously??? Under all other circumstances, this would have seemed highly erotic but this was simply out of my mental grasp. I mean I know we all have a job to do but to make it practically mirror how conception occurs in the first place (obviously minus the plastic "part" and the prophylactic) seemed a bit serendipitous. I decided to suck it up and enjoy the ride so to speak. That is until I saw the dildo's purpose.

To the untrained eye, and perhaps even the trained one, this view into the center of my well, center, showed the above. It looked to me as if I had a hole in my...something....and that maybe there was a, um, a...skin tag or something attached. Apparently the baby frog is my child. Isn't it darling! I see it now!!! I see it ! It looks...like NOTHING! Apparently at 6 weeks, it resembles a flat faced alien with a tail, so for the time being, I prefer to call it my little frog, thank you very much.

After consulting my pregnancy library which includes but is not limited to the following titles...

Pregnancy Essentials
The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy
My Boys Can Swim (by men, for men and hysterical)
What to Expect When You're Expecting and
Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy

...I found out that the little frog is only 1/8 of an inch long! REALLY, I think to myself. That's funny because my stomach could just as easily fit something 4000 times that size! What the heck have I been eating all those burritos for? To house the tip of a needle? To provide way too much square feet for the tiniest tenant in town? That's like, as Tara would put it backwards, placing a lawn chair on the Titanic!