The Clark Clinic Guide to a Delirious Pregnancy (Month 3)

It's interesting reading the material designed for pregnant moms. It makes me want to interpret some of the "gentle" ways they break news to you or inform you of changes in you and your little sperm worm.

For instance, when I read "The embryonic tail at the bottom of your baby's spinal cord is shrinking and disappearing, and the face is more rounded" I think, "Thank god...Sigourney Weaver was one unlucky broad". "

Your baby's head is quite large compared with the rest of the body" translates to "HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF CLARKY'S HEAD? He wears a 7 and 7/8 size hat for crimeny sakes!" (Really though, if the baby's head is even close to the size of Clarky's shiny dome, I am in SERIOUS birthing trouble).

"Your baby's anus has formed" translates to "Hahaha...my kid is a shithead already and it's not even out yet!"

Phrases associated with MY body...

HCG is working to give you that pregnant GLOW. (I'm wearing too much bronzer.)

Greater blood volume is resulting in slightly flushed and plump skin. (Thank you grilled stuffed burritos no meat.)

Your heart is continuing to pump harder. (Is this why it's harder now to run up the stairs than when I was at a pack a day???)

You may begin to have slightly blurred vision. (This should've been a label on my Absolut bottles.)

You'll continue to feel the need to urinate more frequently (DAMN the 18 stairs down to the only bathroom in the house. Confession: I have not always used the actual toilet. Use your imagination. Convenience is key. And desperation calls for desperate measures. I think I said that wrong.)

You'll probably have gained about 2 pounds by the end of your 12th week of pregnancy. (HAHAHAHA....AHAHAHAHA.....by week 9 I am up, well, more than 2 pounds. That's all I have to say about that.)

You may be preoccupied with the physical changes occurring in your body. (I love my boobs...keep growing please!!!!!)

You may feel fat and unattractive. (Oh, ok...no need to sugarcoat things there Mayo Clinic.) Sometimes I wish I didn't know how to read. That is just something you can not temporarily undo.

Well here is the little big headed 9 week old upside down amphibian. When I asked my OB what the circle was to the left of the baby...she said it was a yolk sac. A yolk sac? I guess I am a hen now. Clarky surely thinks he is a rooster so if the feathers fit I guess...

Side note: Yesterday I gave 7 viles of blood...7 !!!!!! I did feel lightheaded and dizzy and enjoyed it very much. It was the closest I've been to a buzz in a month.