Oblivion is Overrated

Due to the simple fact that I am nearing menopause and drop about as many eggs as a rooster, one can imagine my surprise when I started to feel "different". My usual summer appetite increased from a modest continual feasting to that of a war ravaged vulture. Unfortunately for me, there were no other vultures there to fight me morsel for morsel, therefore ultimately consuming more than my share of delirious concoctions. I vividly remember having a cellular telephone conversation with my BF in Foster City (Orlando 5) and describing to her what I had on the agenda for dinner. Thanks to my obsession with all things Apple, I snapped a photo of my delicacies.

Yes, this is a well rounded meal of Tribes traditional flavored hummus accompanied by a variety of mustard dipping sauces for mini pretzel sticks and spicy black bean chips finished out by a cup of Big Spoon yogurt (granola and white yogurt chips on the side). What did not appear in the photo, however, was a bottle of Dr. Pepper and a Shirley Temple with soda water instead of 7-up. Who drinks the "uncola" anyway?? Amazing as this may seem, nothing about this meal seemed odd to me.


What DID seem odd was that my once inverted A- (minus) size "band aids" were growing at an alarming rate. Now, we are all aware that breast tissue is simply fat. Why I got jipped in this area is beyond me (thanks Mom) but there comes a time in every flat chested girl's life when she looks down and realizes she is starting puberty. This usually happens for most at age 13 or so. It took me 33 years, extra bountiful eating habits, and an abundance of a foreign hormone to happen to me. I realize the sad but true fact that my cha chas were actually fitting into the carriers I had been wearing for years. Not only were they fitting, they were fitting nicely! Which means I was finally a TRUE A! Imagine my excitement. They actually look a little something like this...


As if the signs couldn't be any more clear...I stumbled upon this obviously mislabeled aisle in the neighborhood Safeway. Thinking it hysterical, I of course emailed the photo to several girlfriends with the title..."Wanna Get Pregnant?...Use Kleenex!"

A trip to the state fair with a giant pickle craving over a deep fried White Castle burger...

Oblivious!

A Face Melter image of an over sized me squatting on a mini garbage can in a Vegas tramp stamp dress...

Utterly humorous...nothing more, nothing less (well maybe more)!

Avoiding all possible indications that something could be amiss, I kept on truckin' with my daily doses of denial and tomfoolery. After a week or two of the continuing side effects and unable to calm my ever increasing anger towards anything breathing and most things inanimate, I decided to use a year old, buy 1, get 2 free underground (cheap) pee stick test. Now, I am very adept at peeing on a stick due to the good ol' Atkins diet eons ago and knew I completed the task in the most precise fashion imaginable. As if I wasn't confused enough, this is what I got...

If you can't see the second line very strongly, you know what I was faced with. Is it there? Isn't it? Is it KIND OF there? What does kind of there mean? Am I kind of pregnant? Kind of not?

In my last ditch attempt to prove this plastic thing right or wrong (I wasn't quite sure which one I wanted to prove), I drove the LONG 2 blocks to the Safeway to buy another set of buy 1 get 2 free. The reason I didn't walk is clear. It was entirely too difficult to carry the mass quantities of raw fish Safeway select sushi I was about to gorge on if in fact these sticks were going to tell me something diet altering. A Hawaiian roll, spicy tuna roll, and California (the only one left) later, I peed again. 3 times. Same thing. Faint line. JEEEEZZUUSSS. Seriously? Time to consult a friend and then the Internet. Of course consulting a friend first is the best bet as personal experience trumps the stranger behind the screen. Personal friend votes....a faint line IS a line. Pregnant. Internet activated! Internet geniuses in cyberspace vote...pregnant. Sutter OBGYN confirms...pregnant.

And so the journey begins...(with a large Big Spoon yogurt and a million outgoing calls and texts)!